Engagement (khitba) and its rules

Engagement recommended, not required

The khitba is the road to marriage: it is a promise, not a contract. It does not affect the validity of the nikah, as the four schools agree, and no scholar made it obligatory except Dawud az-Zahiri. The jurists describe it as recommended.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) asked for Aisha in marriage from Abu Bakr, who replied: I am your brother. The Prophet said: you are my brother in the religion of Allah and in His Book, and she is lawful for me.al-Bukhari 4793

Whose hand to ask for

• A woman with no husband and no waiting period, and free of any impediment: proposing to her is lawful, directly or by allusion, by consensus;
• a woman already married: proposing to her, even by allusion, is forbidden by consensus, since engagement leads to marriage and her marriage is valid;
• a woman already proposed to: the Prophet said, "No man should propose over the proposal of his brother until he withdraws or marries" (al-Bukhari 4849). An-Nawawi explains that if the first man withdraws or gives permission, proposing becomes permissible.

The qualities to seek

The jurists list eight qualities that help a lasting marriage: religion, character, beauty, a light mahr, fertility, virginity, noble lineage, and not being a very close relative. Religion stands at the center.

A woman is married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religion. Choose the one with religion, may your hands be covered with dust.al-Bukhari 4802 ; Muslim 1466

Asking honestly

The majority of jurists (Malikis, Shafi'is and others) state that whoever is consulted about a suitor or a bride may mention his real defects in truth: this is not forbidden backbiting but required advice, without exaggeration or insult. The Prophet advised Fatima bint Qays: "Abu Jahl never puts down his stick, and Mu'awiya is a man without wealth; marry Usama ibn Zayd" (Muslim 1480).

The promise does not bind, and gifts are settled

For the Shafi'is, engagement is not a binding contract: either side may withdraw. The Hanbalis share this ruling yet blame withdrawal without reason, as it breaks a promise; Malikis likewise disapprove when a suitor leaves a woman who had inclined toward him. As for gifts, the Hanafis distinguish: if the marriage did not take place, whatever still exists can be taken back by the suitor, along with the value of what was sent for the mahr; what was consumed or altered cannot be reclaimed; if she ends up marrying him, he takes back nothing.

Practical note

These rules come from the manuals of the four schools: they describe a simple path, an open request, honest inquiries, and fair settlement if the plan stops. For any specific case, ask a trusted scholar.